When you learned that you needed to conform to the ideals, you lost your balance.
It was involuntary in the beginning, then consciously trying to control. Not knowing that effort is conflict.
To this day, it is a struggle- trying to find the right balance with a veneer of ideals without seeing what you need.
What you need is acceptance. Where you try to seek it is the culprit.
You think you need help and I am here, available at your dispense as I have always been. Keeping in mind that there are the consequences- of indulgence, of deprivation, of neglect.
Ask yourself and look closer- You already know that you are capable of balance without conflict.